Written by Laura Peck
1. The Bitch with No Boundaries. People who post overly-personal, super-detailed drama about their life as a way to try to get sympathy from over the Internet so they can feel better about causing their own problems. Oftentimes these are semi-attractive, incredibly desperate and delusional girls who think they will find their soulmate whilst out raging downtown and doing constant benders hooking up with multiple guys within the same circle of friends… they make their page and all their info public, attract creepers, auto-accept every friend request they get, and have 10291381239 random weirdo FB guy friends from places like Romania and Bulgaria who most likely found their profile whilst looking through Voyeur photo albums.
2. The Way-Too-Proud Parent. If you’re getting married, that’s awesome. Having kids? That’s great. We’re glad you are going through such an amazing phase in your life. And realistically, we understand that raising your kids probably consumes a huge portion of your time… maybe you even consider it your life. However, this is YOUR Facebook… not your baby’s. If your profile picture is a baby and you constantly are posting gushing status updates about every moment in your kids’ lives, you need to tone it the fuck down.
3. The Passive-Aggressive Facebook Fighter. God these people are irritating… and extremely immature. Instead of going about confrontation the NORMAL way and talking to said person about said issue directly to their face, they choose to make an indirect Facebook status talking shit about them publicly. Like seriously? Grow the fuck up. Oftentimes they are psycho ex-girlfriends/boyfriends who are no longer in contact or Facebook friends with their past significant other… but since them and said person still have many mutual Facebook friends they think if they write something the word will get to them through the grapevine and piss them off. “Maybe if you hadn’t cheated on me with my best friend I wouldn’t have broken up with you.” Other times they are downtown drama queens who have a verbal (or physical) confrontation with someone while out and use their Facebook statuses as a way to draw attention to themselves and get people to be “on their side.”
4. The iWonder. These people post extremely vague status updates that make us wonder what the fuck they mean. Is is a cry for help? Is it referring to something you talked about with them yesterday? Are they talking about taking a shit? We may never know…
5. The Overzealous Promoter. It’s good to have a passion about your job, but when your profile picture is constantly an event flyer instead of yourself, every status update is telling us about the next “bestest hottest coolest party EVER”, you flood our event invites, and you don’t seem to utilize your Facebook account for any personal reasons whatsoever, it’s f*cking annoying as sh*t. Knock it off. This goes for other marketing and advertising jobs in general as well… keep your Facebook personal, not professional. There are Facebook Pages for that.
6. The Facebook Model. Oftentimes combines with the Bitch With No Boundaries. Usually semi-attractive to very attractive physically in-shape females who go out downtown and come into contact with a nightlife photographer looking to build their portfolio, so they set up a photoshoot with them. However, the “photoshoot” is nothing but super-cliché whoreish photos of them in bikinis and lingerie making sexually suggestive poses. In reality they have no potential in modeling as a career and they only did the “shoot” so they could post the photos on Facebook and try to get as many “likes” and “You’re so pretty” comments as possible. These women have major issues with self-esteem and need to be validated by men constantly.
7. The Religion Pusher. Oftentimes Born-Again Christians. A fair amount used to be hard drug addicts who claim they are now sober and in recovery because they found God. Debatably one could say they just switched addictions from substances to religion. Constantly post status updates about how grateful they are for Him and how He has saved us all, etc… criticizing the rest of us for “sinning,” even sending personal prayers to God via status updates… creepy shit.
8. The Selfie Myspacer. These people are either extremely bored, extremely desperate for attention and approval or both. Oftentimes they are roided-out male gym rats posting shirtless mirror pics of their muscles (either in their bathroom or with gym equipment in the background). Other times they are girls who take over an hour to do their hair and makeup; however they are not planning on having a night out on the town with friends… they put all that effort in just to take webcam shots of themselves making kissy duck faces with raised eyebrows, making sure to get an upward angle to show their cleavage from wearing 3 push-up bras.
9. The Discreet Braggart. “OMG it sucks SO BAD to be so gorgeous and look like a supermodel”. Please refer to example below.
10. The Negative Nancy. People who only post complaints and rants as their Facebook statuses… please keep your constant negativity to yourself. These people are somewhat like Type #1 in that they hope to make people feel sorry about them, however their complaints are often about random shit in general, not personal. No one cares…
11. The Political Campaigner. They’re everywhere. Their posts are over-the-top, extreme, and in your face. Those people who just don’t just seem to understand Facebook is a SOCIAL network, not a political debate forum. Funny thing is there ARE plenty of political debate forums ON FACEBOOK for them to express their views in a context that is appropriate, yet they choose to annoy all their Facebook friends anyway… if confronted about the subject they will almost always claim their right to their First Amendment, saying that this is America and people are allowed to post whatever they want on Facebook… and that you have the freedom and choice to delete them if you so wish. They don’t seem to have be aware of the concept that just because you CAN post whatever you want, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Their brains unfortunately have no filter.